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Let's Talk over Coffee.... |
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Tuesday, May 05, 2009 MellowExhausted of the constant struggle, whether it be physically or mentally. It's tiring.And then, to consistently be aware of who I talk to, what information I share with others, is killing me slowly. I cant stand living another second of my life, going through these constant torture. Are people such hypocrites in the working world? Hidding their hideous features underneath a glorified mask? It's getting so hard to trust others, knowing that whatever you said might be taken out of proportion. Not to mentioned, to be judge heavily upon. I hate forcing myself to learn things. It's too painful to cram everything in your brain when the mind is just filtering out every bit of information that comes in. And to consistently be aware of my every gesture, every action, every speech, knowing that all these micro acts will be judge; a benchmark to what my personality and ability could be. Urgh, it's nauseating. Tired. I believe "it's all in the mind" but there's really a limit as to how much I can bend mine. It's stretching beyond its limit, with the tension as taut as that of a stretched rubber band. Wonder how long the elasicity can last before it eventually snaps.  Coffee Talk at 11:00 PM
Sunday, April 19, 2009 WorriesI wished this weekend never ends. I wished time would just freeze.Seriously, I am not mentally nor physically prepared for what's brewing in the weeks ahead. 3 weeks to be exact. Whoever says talking things out would makes it better, lied. Big time. Cos' even after sharing my fears, I feel that sooner or later, they may materialize. It could be my tired brain generating all the negativity. And my recurring knee injury is making things worse. A lot worse. And people lie. Everyone lie. White lies, are still lies. I realized people never tell the truth. 99.9percent but never 100. It's just like school, though a larger, more competitive playing field where everyone tries to get ahead. Exhaustion is creeping in slowly... I used to dread going back on sunday but never with such a heavy heart. The looming prospect of the grueling weeks did nothing to alleviate the anxiety. Hope I'm thinking too much. Should stop preempting things, it's driving my sleep cycle a little crazy. Waking up every hour in the night with my brain furiously working what I might have missed out is far from a good night sleep, which I desperately need. I wished someone would send me back to school... Coffee Talk at 6:17 PM
Monday, April 06, 2009 Losing GripI can feel my writing skills slipping away from me... Less than a year after graduating and not writing any psychological essay has somewhat killed my writing skills.Nowadays, I am very much left to bother how to connect my next sentence and what is the appropriate word to use. Not that it hadn't bothered me before, but the frequency is a lot more now. Ah... HELP... Just the other day, writing a book review almost drove me to insanity. haha. Cos' I had no idea how to pen my thoughts into words. Everything was simply jumbled up inside my head... This morning, giving a impromptu speech for 3 minutes caused another horrible meltdown. The topic 'money' seemed easy enough, yet nothing came into my head. Spaced out for a whole 30seconds before I could find something to blabble about. It's pressurizing, knowing how people around you are looking at how you behave and act, giving you somesort of apprisal or grading even. There's a grade tag to what you do or say, and how you say it. It drives me insane at times. To be so particular and cautious about every single movement is just not humanly possible, yet it gets on my nerves when I utter something nonsensical or do an act that makes me wanna kick myself in the head. I care too much about what people say and what others' opinions of me are. Hai, hate myself for that. Yet it's something that i cant seem to gain control of. *roar* Coffee Talk at 6:34 PM
Friday, March 20, 2009 Relunctance...Today marks the end of my attachment! Had quite an interesting conversation with my supervisor and realized I really have not done much to prepare myself on what to expect in the future.If I can figure out what I want to do in the future.. She was drawing out the future that I could have, to become someone that can really make a difference. It sounds very rosy, something which I want, to make an impact that is able to effect changes to many. And I realized it had to do a lot with policy making. Something which I try to shun away from cos' it's really not my cup of tea. And yet now, I'm being drawn towards it. ha. Stumbled on a site yesterday; a site that I practically frequent every single night for the past 7 years, but have not done so for the past few months. Makes me wonder if I was too hasten in making the decision. Not thinking 10 steps ahead of myself. On the other hand, I could never have expected how things could have turned out otherwise.. Thou shall stand by the decision made! Tomorrow is Sat and yet I have to wake up at an unearthly hour... Sigh. At least it's for a good reason! Coffee Talk at 10:46 PM
Wednesday, March 18, 2009 last day of 23ah I need to freeze time...Just so I have enough time to complete everything I have at hand and to sort out the jumbled thoughts cluttering around in my brain. I love exercises. Not an exercise freak per say, exercising just takes my mind off things. Not to mention, it keeps me healthy and fit. But yes, mainly cos' it takes my mind off things. Annoying things that keep lingering around even after the conversations are over, the sms-es long outdated and memories that leave a bitter sweet taste in your mouth. Ah, yes, jumbled thoughts that keep running through my head. It annoys me cos' I'm probably the party that keeps thinking of all these 'nonsense', while the other(s) could barely remember what took place a minute ago. Great. I just love looking for trouble. What's even more annoying- I love to replay those memories, reread those annoying smses and hope, and hope that something good might come out of it. Enough of it. I'm tired of myself and the things I do to torture myself. Last day of 23. I'm going to miss it. 23 is Jordan's number! I relished being 23. haha. Cant believe I'm so old. I feel old physically cos' my body parts are not as strong and resilient as, well when I'm 13. At least, then, when I accidentally bumped my knee on the ground, I know my knee cap is still intact. Cant guaranteed that now. I get all jittery when i brushed my knees against the wall! haha. Ah... Attachment coming to an end soon. I'm going to miss it. Despite all the late nights, some good things did come out of it :) Alright, things to get tomorrow. A gym ball! haha. It caught my eye today during my mini shopping trip. lol. And a shoe bag. And to restring my racket. Yay! Happy things to do. Starts counting down! *Getting ready to blow out candles* Coffee Talk at 11:01 PM
Friday, March 13, 2009 MusingHad my first pub celebration yesterday.. It was an experience. All I remembered was very loud music, thick cigarette smoke and people urging me to drink.A place where I'll never relish going again. Cant get why people enjoy going to pub, where it is so hard to get a decent conversation going amid the loud music; where the drinks cost 10times more than the market price and the crowds are not exactly your friendly bunch of people. Drinking is bad... My colleagues got so drunk that they puked throughout the night, and still people urged me to drink. I really dont get it. I wished things would be smooth sailing. Wished I could get what I want. Wished I dont have to keep guessing about what other people are thinking. Wished I could understand my feelings better. Vexed. Coffee Talk at 10:35 PM
Thursday, March 12, 2009 RantingsSpent the whole of last night chasing 'ghosts'... For the very first time, I wonder if I made a wrong choice. The constant 'no-show' coupled with routined, robotic checks (bridging to the point of being senseless), AND coupled with the hunger and tiredness, seriously made me pondered the divine meaning of doing what I did yesterday.There has got to be a better and more efficient way of doing things! Everyone saw that I was really tired, shagged as they termed it. Physical exhausation, I can handle. It was more of mental torture; trying to figure out what in the world I was doing in the wee hours of the morning. Contemplating the meaning in doing what I did and to realise there was none... I just couldn't wait for the 'ordeal' to be over... Suddenly, I missed the simple life in training and hanging out with my friends. Less complicated, more fun plus I dont have to deal with irksome people and office politics. Maybe I still do, but the issues at hand are still less complicated. When it comes to dealing problems, I like to 'karate chop' through it. Why waste time going to and fro, round and about? It probably wont be the most tactful manner of handling things but it's straightforward. Confided in my friend something really minor and trival (I guess to him), since his replay came back was "as you wish". It seems blunt, blatant and a certain disregard to the question that I asked him. At that moment in time, I swore never to ask him anything or to take his advice on whatsnot anymore. I'm not sure where he's coming from (maybe he's busy shopping with his wife, at work etc) but he was the first person that poped into my head when it comes to all these issues. He knows best since all he has been talking to us about was well, work! Yet came this short and somewhat cold response. ARGH. I swear, never again. Never ever gonna confide in anyone not blood related to me. It just seems like the world out there is for all to see, for all to hear. Everyone seems judgemental on what you say or not say and what's said is being broadcast to the world; in your own words if ya lucky, else it would be praparazzi-style of making it newspaper headlines coming from your evil twin. Guess I still dont have the maturity to handle the dynamics of human relationships and other sensitive issues that come along. Destined to be blue. I got to have faith in that. |
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